FRONT MISSION 3: Remake

Выглядит н как ремейк, а как ремастер низкого качества. Купил чисто понастольгировать. Если вы не играли в неё на PS1, то не вижу смысла брать на столько небрежно сделанный продукт.

This game is so dysfunctional I'm insulted someone even took the time to make it. I say 'someone' but I suspect it was actually made by a team of trained chimpanzees that went to their local crack den to learn 'computer'. The control interface for PC is one of the most heinous things I've ever been subjected to, the mouse doesn't do anything - sometimes. Some menus allow you to mouse through, but the dialogue HAS to be spacebarred. Alright then, it's one of those ♥♥♥♥♥♥ PC ports the Japanese are so famous for. That's fine, I'll use my controller. Brother, it didn't get any better. Not only did it feel like crap trying to navigate anything with the controller, but the inputs are disturbing beyond human comprehension. Put aside the odd clunkiness of a controller trpg from over 20 years ago, I play old games, I don't mind that. The horror is how RANDOM and INCONSISTENT the inputs are. Often times the confirm button would double press, but only sometimes in certain submenus. Trying to navigate the web interface? You can press A/X to confirm. Sometimes. What happens other times is that A/X will open a text box, but you have to press B/O to scroll the text, despite the previous text box working fine with A/X. Sometimes B/O will take you back, other times you have to press back/select. RANDOMLY! Using the left stick stacks the sounds like a machine gun, and if you dare to tap the right stick then everything is now displayed as PC keys. I would go so far as to argue that if you TRIED to simulate the mind shattering effects of coming face-to-face with Shub Niggurath by messing with the player's controls, you could not achieve such a demented, non-functional control scheme. Also, have you ever been softlocked for trying to play a game? I don't mean goofing around and throwing the quest item into a pit of lava, I mean have you ever tried to navigate a menu and the game decides that you've had enough happiness from the barely functional network interface and refuses to let you exit? Because I have, twice, and I can tell you it's not a good time. When I'm not wrestling with the eldritch demons that have manifested in this game's user experience, I'm apparently in the casino trying to jerk off RNGesus under the roulette table, because the game itself suffers from brutal randomness. The first few missions I actually enjoyed, I thought the game was balanced on a razors edge. Every combat encounter had me barely squeak through and I felt accomplished having managed to beat the overwhelming odds. And then my characters started attacking multiple times per turn. And they would glow and do all these crazy effects. And the game asked me to slot their abilities into the computer? But as best I could tell they weren't abilities you had any control over, they just happen (say it with me now) randomly! And then sometimes mechs would get stunned. Not based on weapon type or hit location, just because they felt like it. And why does my character have a question mark next to him? Holy hell he just got flung out of the mech! But.. why? Did I mess up something? You see, despite the tutorial assuming you're such a troglodyte that the very concept of navigating menus has to be explained, the various skills, abilities, and status effects are NEVER given any mention. I still don't understand how the hell those special skill abilities happen, aside from the fact they seem to be tied to which mech parts you have equipped. Anyhow, that illusion of perfect balance was shattered just like my rectum in mission 3 or 4, when a bunch of helicopters showed up and the game said "nah, you lose these." The choppers proceeded to roleplay Neo and give all my mechs shiny new 12.7mm piercings. I considered quitting right then and there. The mission seemed impossible, the enemy just had WAY too much damage. I decided to give it one more try, and absolutely smashed all the opponents since this time around, the game decided that the two mechs I had to deal with, actually, I didn't have to deal with them, they're gonna be stunned for 4 turns. And those helicopters that dodged the 89% hit chance missile 3 times in a row last attempt? Haha, helicopters can't dodge, dummy. In fact, they're such easy targets that my missile mech decided to fire at them multiple times in one turn, as if to gaslight me that I didn't just get an intestinal restructuring 20 seconds ago. Basically, the game is a walk in the park and scraping your balls on broken glass at the same time, and that's just not my vibe. I didn't even mention the stupid story. Maybe it gets less dumb later on, but our main characters seemed a little to eager to commit treason for a foreign intelligence agent. And then they're somehow surprised that the entire nation is trying to hunt them down. Because I'm an absolute child, I decided to call my main character Jimmy ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. Yes, I'm sure you like Ghostbusters too. But I was shocked at how well he lived up to the name. Every time Jimmy opened his stupid ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ mouth to say some inane ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ I just nodded and said to myself: "yeah, this guy really has no ♥♥♥♥". So to compensate, they made his best friend have two ♥♥♥♥♥ - one on his groin, and the other replacing any semblance of interesting dialogue. His entire character is an annoying anime trope repeated to the point where the 'joke' is no longer funny. Imagine someone with brain damage tried to write a pg-13 "Johnny Bravo but he's Japanese" fanfiction, and you get a good sense of "Two-♥♥♥♥" Ryogo. And dear ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ lord, Emma. Look, her plan for infiltrating a top secret Japanese military base hiding a WMD was to go to a bar and ask two random JAPANESE CITIZENS if they wanted to go check it out, like they're going to that new sushi restaurant down the block. Bad characterization in a mech game MIGHT be okay, but the mechs themselves are just as uncharismatic as our protagonists. Barely any customization options are given, and it's just not that fun to customize them. I beat the mission in Australia with the cargo convoy, and then the game decided to softlock AGAIN while browsing the FBI database, and I just decided I was done. I've long been interested in giving Front Mission a spin, and I likely will still emulate the originals to give them a fair shot, but I would sooner snort a line of arsenic than give Front Mission 3: Remake another chance. It might be a free weekend, but I feel that the "developers" of this travesty owe me compensation.