[h1] Ryan George Style Pitch Meeting Parody: [/h1]
In an abstract dungeon of shifting purple pixels, Game Designer Ryan wears an oversized Knight helmet while Publisher Ryan sits on a melting throne made of three frozen Mages. A single pressure plate sits in the center of the room, glowing with a faint, threatening light.
Publisher: So, you have a puzzle platformer where you murder your friends for me?
Game Designer: Yes, sir, I do! It’s called Total Party Kill, and it’s all about the power of friendship!
Publisher: You just said I’m murdering them.
Game Designer: Well, you’re murdering them together. It’s a group effort! See, you have three heroes trapped in a dungeon, but the exit is often behind a wall or across a giant pit of spikes.
Publisher: Oh my god.
Game Designer: Right? So, to get across, you have to be creative! The Knight can hack a teammate with his sword to launch them like a projectile onto a far-off pressure plate. The Mage can freeze a teammate into a literal block of ice to use as a step-stool!
Publisher: So your friends are basically just organic Lego bricks?
Game Designer: Precisely! And the Ranger can pin a teammate to a wall with an arrow, turning their body into a temporary platform!
Publisher: Oooooh, human ladders are tight!
Game Designer: They really are! And the best part is, as long as one person survives to reach the exit, it’s a total victory!
Publisher: What about the other two?
Game Designer: They're the worst. We don't worry about them.
Publisher: Fair enough! But isn’t it going to be hard to convince players to constantly eliminate their party members?
Game Designer: Super easy, barely an inconvenience! Because we’ve brought in some professional "adventurers" to show you how the mechanics work in practice!
Kazuma: (Stepping forward, looking like he hasn't slept) I’m Kazuma. I’m the leader. And I’ve decided that if I have to be the one to reach the exit, I’m going to need everyone else to stop complaining and start being useful flooring.
Aqua: (Wailing at the top of her lungs, clutching a staff) KAZUMAAA! You can’t let the Knight hit me! I’m a high priestess! My skin is too divine to be used as a stepping stone! It’s not fair! This game is mean! It’s a very mean game! (She begins to cry so hard it creates a literal puddle on the dungeon floor).
Game Designer: See? She’s the Mage in this scenario. She’s going to turn her friends into ice!
Aqua: (Suddenly stops crying, eyes sparkling with malice) Wait... I get to freeze them?
Game Designer: Yes!
Aqua: (Evil, toothy grin) GOD BLOW! She freezes Kazuma instantly. Kazuma (as an Ice Block): (Muffled from inside the ice) I hate it here. I hate everything about this.
Publisher: Wow wow wow. Wow. Having a goddess of water freeze her friend is tight!
Game Designer: It really is! But wait, look at the Knight!
Darkness: (Standing in the corner, her face flushed, trembling violently with a look of terrifying joy) Please... Knight... the spikes are right there. I’ve been a very bad crusader. I require... positioning.
Publisher: (Backing away) Why is she breathing like that? It’s making me very uncomfortable. Sir, your Knight is... she’s a lot.
Game Designer: I don't know why she’s like this! Every time I explain that the Ranger has to shoot her into a wall, she thanks me! It’s very unsettling!
Darkness: (Lurking closer to the spike pit) I want to be the ice block! I want to be pushed into the thorns so the others can walk across my frozen, humiliated form! Launch me with your sword! REJECT ME! USE ME AS TEMPORARY FLOORING!
Publisher: Whoops!
Game Designer: Whoopsie!
Rick James: (Suddenly sliding into the room in a flurry of sequins and hair, pointing at the shadows) DARKNESS! I heard someone talking about DARKNESS! Publisher: Oh my god, it’s Rick James!
Rick James: (Striking a pose) That’s right! I heard there was some Darkness in here that needed some celebration! I’m talkin’ 'bout that midnight, that chocolate— (He stops dead, looking at Darkness, who is currently trying to lick a set of dungeon spikes while whispering "Harder").
Rick James: (Backing away, eyes wide) Woah, woah, woah. Hey, man... what’s wrong with this lady?
Game Designer: She’s the Knight! She wants you to use her as a bridge!
Rick James: Look, I’m a "Super Freak," okay? I’ve seen some things! I’ve done some things! I’ve lived the life! But this? This lady is too much of a super freak even for me! She’s cold-blooded! She’s... she’s weird, man! I’m leaving! I’m goin’ back to the studio! (He vanishes in a puff of purple smoke).
Publisher: Wow wow wow. Wow. Even Rick James is out.
Game Designer: Yeah, she’s the worst.
Jinx: (Skipping into the room with a rocket launcher) Did someone say Total Party Kill? Because that sounds like a Tuesday afternoon at my place! Can I shoot the Mage into the spikes? Please?
Gaige: (Adjusting her goggles, eyes twitching) Actually, I’m sitting on 400 stacks of Anarchy right now, so my accuracy is garbage, but my desire to see Deathtrap use the Ranger as a scratching post is at an all-time high! Get ‘em, D-Trap!
Deathtrap: (Floats over and starts menacingly poking the frozen Kazuma block with a claw).
Gaige: (Cackling) Yes! Use the Knight as a conductor for the electrical damage! It’s for science! Sadistic, hilarious science!
Tiny Tina: (Clapping her hands) Oh my goodness, it’s a tea party where the guests ARE the crumpets! I’m gonna freeze everyone and then jump on ‘em! Pop goes the weasel! Mr. Torgue: I HAVE ONLY ONE QUESTION AND ONE QUESTION ONLY: WHY ISN'T THE ICE BLOCK REDEEMABLE FOR AN EXPLOSION?!
Megumin: (Her eyes glowing red) Did someone say... EXPLOSION?!
Tiny Tina: (Pulls out a bundle of dynamite) On the count of three, we make this dungeon real sparkly-boom-boom style!
Torgue, Megumin, & Tina: (In unison) ONE! TWO! THREE! BOOOOOOOOM!
The back wall of the pitch meeting dissolves into a magnificent fireball. The Publisher’s throne melts instantly.
Publisher: (Wiping soot off his face) Very considerate! They really cleared out that puzzle obstacle.
Game Designer: So, as you can see, the game attracts a very... passionate crowd. But the real meat is the precision! In the later levels, you have to stand on the very last pixel of your friend's frozen head while jumping, or you'll slide off into the abyss and have to restart the whole level!
Publisher: So wait, if I freeze the Mage, and the Knight hits her into a pit, and the Ranger pins the Knight to the ceiling, how does the Ranger get out?
Game Designer: He doesn't! He just stands there in the dark forever, contemplating his life choices while staring at the exit door he can't reach!
Publisher: Oooooh, eternal isolation is tight!
Game Designer: It really is! And for the player, that "Total Party Kill" screen is just a suggestion to try harder!
Publisher: So, players will spend hours trying to jump off a teammate's ear?
Game Designer: Exactly! It’s all about that frame-perfect frustration!
Kazuma: (Now unfrozen and covered in soot, staring blankly) I’ve reached the exit fifty times, and every time, I have to listen to the sound of an arrow thudding into Aqua. It’s a very specific sound. It stays with you.
Aqua: (Falling into the pit because she timed a jump wrong) KAZUMAAAA! SAVE MEEE! I DON'T WANT TO BE A PLATFORM ANYMORE!
Publisher: Well, okay then! I think we have a hit! It’s dark, it’s pixelated, and it makes everyone involved feel slightly oily!
Game Designer: Great! I’ll go tell Darkness she’s going to be the main platform for Level 58.
Darkness: (Muffled scream of ecstatic joy from inside a fresh ice block, while Gaige’s Deathtrap looms over her) FINALLY! THE ULTIMATE INDIGNITY!
Publisher: Oh my god.
Game Designer: (Beaming) Total Party Kill, sir! Coming to Steam to ruin friendships everywhere!
Publisher: Wow wow wow. Wow.
