Rogue Warrior

Suck my balls, my big hairy balls. Wrap them around your mouth,.

This is a remarkable game which I spent $2 on, $2 that would have probably be better spent on gum. Rogue Warrior is a broken game that is wholly irredeemable except as a way to murder a few hundred North Koreans and Russians as well as a few hours of your life. The plot, as so much there is one, follows real life war crime enthusiast and catastrophic alcoholic Richard Marcinko on a make believe mission loosely based off his mostly fictional memoir Rogue Warrior, as well as the completely fictional novel follow ups featuring him as the main character. These are books you almost certainly saw your grandpa reading in 1993. In this particular mission Marcinko leads a group of three soldiers to rescue a mole in North Korea. Because his fellow soldiers fail to execute wounded North Koreans, they all get killed by a grenade. There is something about missiles and Russians and for a game with so little plot they don't even bother to make sense of what is there. All we are supposed to know is ♥♥♥♥ Marcinko doesn't play by the rules and he's gonna murder every commie he sees. Thus begins 2-3 hours of murdering random soldiers in ripped off Goldeneye levels. I mean the friggin game culminates in a dam. Come on. The most remarkable thing about this game is that it came out 17 years ago. That sounds like a long time, and it is, but I looked at other games that came out in 2009. This came out alongside Uncharted 2, AC2 and the Saboteur. It looks like a game that came out in 2000 to mixed reviews. Every single mechanic of this game is broken. From AI to level design to weapons, there is not a redeeming quality. And it's all tied together with a constant stream of nonsensical profanity from Mickey Rourke, who was fresh off an Oscar nomination, doing a ♥♥♥♥ Marcinko impression. The game itself is basically a hopeless cross between Call of Duty and Rainbow Six. You begin each level with a silenced pistol, which appears to be the only weapon capable of headshots. You walk along and shoot people in the back of the head or press E to execute them up close with one of (reportedly) 25 kill animations. In reality, I saw the same 4 over and over. You punch, you break neck, you stab in gut or face. Eventually someone will see you and you'll switch to an automatic weapon for the rest of the level. You can pick up other weapons, such as a shotgun, another pistol, a grenade launcher or a sniper rifle. Every one is useless except the sniper rifle which has that magic instakill ability sniper rifles had in 2002 games. Hit a finger? Dead. Toe? Dead. Any hit is a one shot kill. Good luck landing it without the ability to change your zoom, but hey, at least it is powerful! Automatic weapons all feel the same. The only difference is magazine size and rate of fire. They are all about as powerful as gel blasters and as accurate as a carnival rifle. If you enjoy pumped 34 rounds for one kill, you are going to love this game. Of course enemies rarely react so for all I know I've hit them twice, or I've hit them 26 times. It doesn't really matter. Enemies on the other hand are crack shots. 250 yards away with a SMG? You'll take two or three hits and go down. So in reality, the game is you moving from cover to cover, trying to kill one guy and then resting until your regenerating health is done. Then you do it again. You'll die quite a few times as you enter a new room and are quickly killed by an enemy you never see. Luckily this balanced out with other rooms where you are less than 10 feet away from enemies that empty their magazines and never hit you once. Like I said, broken. There is no reason for this game to exist, and no reason for you to play it. It is remarkably awful. I loaded it up for the gag and because it couldn't be as bad as the reviews right? No, it's worse. But look on the bright side. Even if you buy it for the gag now, at least ♥♥♥♥ Marcinko is dead now and doesn't get the money.