[h1]Revy Reviews No. 8 High School:[/h1]
[b]REVY[/b]
Okay, what the [i]BEEEEEEEEEP[/i] is this [b]GARBAGE LASAGNA[/b]?
Good idea, though. Classroom anomaly game. I actually like it.
Tutorial?
[b]TUTORIAAAAAAL?[/b]
There isn't one!
The game just goes, [b]"Here. Find what's wrong."[/b]
Five-star educashun.
So I'm staring at a chair for twenty minutes thinking, "Was that always there?"
Some anomalies are actually clever.
Teacher walks away.
Disappears.
Sneaks up behind you.
[b]BOOM. TEACHER.[/b]
[b]HOLY MOTHER OF SPAGHETTI.[/b]
Then there's floating furniture, broken shadows, posters changing one word, and underwear.
[i]Beat.[/i]
Yeah. I saw it.
[b]MY EYES ARE WORKING FINE.[/b]
Then I get one thing wrong.
[b]DAY THIRTY.[/b]
BACK YOU GO.
At least it isn't Day Zero.
[b]THANK YOU, GAME. VERY GENEROUS.[/b]
Sometimes the anomalies are subtle.
Sometimes the game basically holds up a giant sign saying:
[b]"LOOK. SOMETHING CHANGED."[/b]
[b]I'M LOOKING![/b]
Still, good game.
Good atmosphere.
Good concept.
[b]I'M DONE WITH THIS PLACE.[/b]
[b]I'M GOING OUTSIDE.[/b]
[b]SCHOOL IS CANCELLED.[/b]
[hr]
[h1]HEISENBERG’S UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE OF CLASSROOM ANOMALIES[/h1]
[i][b]INT. ALBUQUERQUE SUBWAY — DAY[/b][/i]
[i]Walter White sits rigidly in a booth, yellow windbreaker immaculate, staring at a laptop like he's reviewing classified intelligence. Jesse is sprawled beside him, aggressively clicking the mouse. Mike sits across from them with a lukewarm coffee.[/i]
[i]On screen:[/i]
[b]NO. 8 HIGH SCHOOL[/b]
[i]ANOMALY DETECTION EXAM[/i]
[b]DAY 30[/b]
[b]WALTER[/b]
Why are we doing this?
[b]JESSE[/b]
It's an anomaly game, Mr. White. Find what's wrong, count it, pass the day.
[b]WALTER[/b]
So we're counting things.
[b]JESSE[/b]
Basically.
[b]WALTER[/b]
I spent twenty years teaching chemistry. I built a laboratory. And now I'm counting discrepancies in a virtual high school.
[b]JESSE[/b]
Help me graduate.
[b]WALTER[/b]
The days count [i]down[/i], Jesse.
[b]JESSE[/b]
Yeah.
[b]WALTER[/b]
Then why are you excited about Day 30?
[b]JESSE[/b]
Because thirty sounds good.
[i]Mike stares at him.[/i]
[b]MIKE[/b]
You're an idiot.
---
[i]Jesse points at the chalkboard.[/i]
[b]H₃O = WATER[/b]
[b]JESSE[/b]
That's one.
[b]WALTER[/b]
H₃O⁺ is hydronium, not water.
[b]JESSE[/b]
Science, ♥♥♥♥♥.
---
[i]Jesse pans toward the window.[/i]
[b]JESSE[/b]
Shadow.
[b]WALTER[/b]
The shadow is inconsistent with the apparent position of the light source.
[b]MIKE[/b]
It's a bad shadow.
[b]WALTER[/b]
It may be deliberate.
[b]MIKE[/b]
You're arguing with a lamp.
---
[i]A desk is floating three feet above the floor.[/i]
[b]JESSE[/b]
Two.
[b]WALTER[/b]
No. Too obvious.
[b]JESSE[/b]
THE DESK IS FLOATING.
[b]WALTER[/b]
Good anomaly design is subtle.
[b]MIKE[/b]
I'd count it.
[b]JESSE[/b]
The desk has achieved enlightenment, Mr. White.
---
[i]A female student is sitting at a desk in her underwear.[/i]
[b]JESSE[/b]
Three.
[b]WALTER[/b]
This is grotesque.
[b]MIKE[/b]
Three.
[b]JESSE[/b]
This game is [i]BEEP-BEEP-BLEEP.[/i]
---
[i]The FEMALE TEACHER stands beside her desk.[/i]
[b]JESSE[/b]
Okay. Teacher's there.
[i]Jesse checks the room, then looks back.[/i]
[i]The teacher is gone.[/i]
[b]JESSE[/b]
She's gone.
[b]MIKE[/b]
She's walking.
[i]Faint footsteps echo through the classroom. The teacher briefly appears between desks, then disappears again.[/i]
[b]JESSE[/b]
Oh, hell naw.
[b]WALTER[/b]
She's following a predetermined path.
[b]JESSE[/b]
A predetermined path to MY ASS!
[i]The footsteps stop.[/i]
[i]Jesse turns back. The teacher is standing directly behind the player's desk.[/i]
[b]JESSE[/b]
AAAAAH! SHE JUST SNUCK UP BEHIND ME!
[b]WALTER[/b]
Yes.
[b]JESSE[/b]
WITHOUT MAKING A SOUND!
[b]MIKE[/b]
Four.
[i]Jesse writes 4.[/i]
[b]WALTER[/b]
The shadow is still suspicious.
[b]JESSE[/b]
Oh, for [i]BEEP'S[/i] sake.
---
[b]JESSE[/b]
One: wrong chemistry. Two: floating desk. Three: underwear girl. Four: murder teacher.
[b]WALTER[/b]
She's not a murder teacher.
[b]JESSE[/b]
Yet.
[b]WALTER[/b]
The shadow makes five.
[b]JESSE[/b]
No.
[b]MIKE[/b]
Put four.
[b]WALTER[/b]
The shadow—
[b]MIKE[/b]
Walter. Four.
[i]Jesse clicks 4.[/i]
[h1]INCORRECT — DAY 29[/h1]
[i]Silence.[/i]
[b]JESSE[/b]
WE WERE ON THIRTY!
[b]MIKE[/b]
It's a video game.
[b]JESSE[/b]
IT WAS A GOOD DAY!
[b]WALTER[/b]
What was the fifth anomaly?
[i]Jesse spots a poster.[/i]
[b]STUDY HARD[/b]
[i]It flickers.[/i]
[b]APPLY YOURSELF[/b]
[b]WALTER[/b]
Apply yourself.
[b]JESSE[/b]
I WAS BUSY GETTING STALKED BY THE TEACHER!
[b]MIKE[/b]
Irony.
[b]JESSE[/b]
Don't.
[b]MIKE[/b]
Apply yourself.
[b]JESSE[/b]
I swear to [i]BEEPING GOD.[/i]
---
[i]Walt closes the laptop.[/i]
[b]WALTER[/b]
We're starting Day 29 over.
[b]JESSE[/b]
No.
[b]WALTER[/b]
Yes. We document every object.
[b]MIKE[/b]
I'm leaving.
[b]JESSE[/b]
I'm staying.
[b]MIKE[/b]
Of course you are.
[i]Walt opens the laptop.[/i]
[b]WALTER[/b]
Begin.
---
[i]The classroom loads. Day 29.[/i]
[b]JESSE[/b]
Okay. We're getting to zero. No distractions.
[i]The Subway door opens.[/i]
[i]HANK, MARIE, SAUL, CHUCK, GUS, NACHO, and LALO walk in. TUCO follows behind them, carrying a sandwich.[/i]
[b]JESSE[/b]
Oh, for [i]BEEP[/i]'s sake.
[b]HANK[/b]
Walt! What are you two doing?
[b]JESSE[/b]
Trying to graduate.
[b]SAUL[/b]
Hey, it's a legitimate educational activity. Probably.
[b]WALTER[/b]
Nobody touch the laptop.
[i]Tuco immediately grabs the mouse.[/i]
[b]WALTER[/b]
TUCO, NO!
[b]TUCO[/b]
I JUST WANNA SEE THE SCHOOL!
[i]The floating desk hovers in the aisle.[/i]
[b]TUCO[/b]
WHY IS THE DESK FLOATING?!
[b]JESSE[/b]
THANK YOU!
[b]MARIE[/b]
Why is that girl barely dressed?
[b]HANK[/b]
Marie, seriously.
[b]CHUCK[/b]
The environment appears fundamentally inconsistent. I would like to examine the software architecture.
[b]SAUL[/b]
Chuck, it's a video game.
[b]GUS[/b]
Perhaps we should simply observe.
[b]NACHO[/b]
That's probably the smartest thing anyone's said.
[b]LALO[/b]
Or we could just click everything until something happens.
[b]WALTER[/b]
Absolutely not.
[b]LALO[/b]
Relax, señor. I'm joking.
[i]Lalo smiles. Walt does not.[/i]
[b]GUS[/b]
The teacher is also no longer at her desk.
[i]Everyone looks at the screen.[/i]
[b]JESSE[/b]
Don't.
[b]LALO[/b]
She's probably behind us.
[i]Everyone slowly turns around.[/i]
[i]Nothing.[/i]
[b]JESSE[/b]
Lalo, I swear to [i]BEEPING[/i] God—
[b]SAUL[/b]
Okay, how many anomalies?
[b]WALTER[/b]
Four.
[b]MIKE[/b]
Three.
[i]Everyone turns. Mike stands in the doorway, coffee in hand.[/i]
[b]JESSE[/b]
Where the hell did you come from?
[b]MIKE[/b]
I work here now, apparently.
[b]HANK[/b]
I finally catch you doing something illegal, and it's homework.
[b]SAUL[/b]
Technically, this is probably the least illegal thing he's done all week.
[b]WALTER[/b]
The shadow is an anomaly.
[b]MIKE[/b]
It's a bad shadow, Walter.
[i]Jesse reaches for the mouse.[/i]
[b]JESSE[/b]
Three anomalies. I'm clicking three.
[b]WALTER[/b]
Jesse, don't—
[i]CLICK.[/i]
[h1]INCORRECT — DAY 30[/h1]
[i]Absolute silence.[/i]
[b]HANK[/b]
You guys were on Day 29?
[b]JESSE[/b]
Yeah.
[b]HANK[/b]
And you just went back to thirty?
[b]JESSE[/b]
Yeah.
[i]Saul slowly nods.[/i]
[b]SAUL[/b]
So... technically, you graduated backwards.
[b]TUCO[/b]
WE'RE BACK AT THIRTY?!
[b]GUS[/b]
How unfortunate.
[b]LALO[/b]
Hey, look on the bright side. At least nobody died.
[i]Everyone looks at the teacher on the screen.[/i]
[i]The teacher slowly turns her head toward the camera.[/i]
[b]NACHO[/b]
...Yet.
[i]Mike takes a long sip of coffee.[/i]
[b]MIKE[/b]
I'm surrounded by [i]BEEPING[/i] idiots.
[b]CUT TO BLACK.[/b]
