Hyperglide

[h1]Ryan George Style Pitch Meeting Parody:[/h1] The meeting is taking place inside the Stratosphere of Abstract Shapes. It is a realm where the sky is a flickering shade of neon cyan and the ground is merely a concept that hasn't finished loading yet. Game Designer Ryan and Publisher Ryan are locked in a perpetual, synchronized nosedive. They are wearing crisp, navy blue suits that are miraculously unwrinkled despite the fact that they are falling at terminal velocity. Their ties are pinned flat against their chests by the sheer G-force. Between them falls a sleek, glass boardroom table, complete with a pitcher of water that is defying gravity by staying inside the pitcher. Drifting alongside them, tumbling end-over-end like a discarded crouton, is an Imperial Guard from Oblivion. He is holding his shield up against the wind, his cape fluttering violently, staring judgmentally at the curvature of the procedural earth. Publisher: (Shouting politely over the deafening roar of the wind) So, you have a digital experience of perpetual falling for me? Game Designer: (Shouting back with a smile so wide it catches the wind) Yes, sir, I do! It’s called Hyperglide! Publisher: Hyperglide. Sounds like a dance move from the future! Game Designer: It’s not! It’s a game where we toss the player into a wingsuit and launch them into an infinite canyon of geometry! Publisher: A very geometric canyon! Game Designer: The most geometric! We are going to generate endless mountains, tunnels, and floating rocks, and tell the player, "Good luck, try not to become a sticker on that wall." Publisher: And why are they gliding? Is there a destination? Are they delivering a pizza? Game Designer: I don’t know! Publisher: Fair enough. Game Designer: The motivation is purely aerodynamic, sir! You are basically a sentient paper airplane with a need for velocity. Publisher: A very sentient airplane! Game Designer: Exactly! They just tilt left, tilt right, and dive. It’s super easy, barely an inconvenience. Publisher: Oh, really? Game Designer: Yeah! You just embrace gravity. The whole point is to go as fast as possible without smacking into the scenery. Imperial Guard: (Drifting past them upside down) STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM! Publisher: ... Who is that gentleman? Game Designer: Oh, that’s just the Physics Monitor. He’s upset because we’re ignoring wind resistance, but that’s what we’re going with! Publisher: Well, okay then! Imperial Guard: NOBODY GLIDES ON MY WATCH! Game Designer: (Ignoring him) So, the computer builds the world in front of you. It goes, "Here is a cliff, here is a hole, here is a snowy peak," and it does that forever. Publisher: Now, I heard some rumors that the computer used to be bad at that. Like, putting a wall directly where your face is supposed to go? Game Designer: Whoops! Publisher: Whoopsie! Game Designer: Yeah, back in the day, the procedural generation got a little aggressive and sometimes the game would just show you a black screen of nothingness. Publisher: That sounds like the worst. Game Designer: It was! But here is the twist: The developer actually fixed it! Well... mostly! Publisher: Mostly? Game Designer: Yeah! They went back in, tightened the bolts, greased the polygons, and now it runs smoother than a dolphin in a tuxedo! I wouldn't say it's completely bug-free, but it is definitely more bugless than before! Publisher: So we replaced the bugs with more wind? Game Designer: We did! Loads more wind! Publisher: That is a fair trade! Game Designer: Exactly! It’s bug-lite! The crashes are gone, the black screens are gone, and now the only thing crashing is you, into the mountain, on purpose! Imperial Guard: (Spinning wildly) PAY THE COURT A FINE OR SERVE YOUR SENTENCE! Game Designer: He means "Pay the Steam store a small fee," but he’s dramatic. Publisher: A very dramatic guard! Game Designer: He is! But the best part, sir, is the feeling. It makes you feel like a superhero. Publisher: Which one? Game Designer: The one with the raspy voice! It makes you feel like Batman! Publisher: Ooooh, feeling like Batman is tight! Game Designer: It sure is! You’re swooping through the shadows, dodging rocks, and I catch myself whispering, "I am vengeance... I am the night... I AM GLIDING!" every time I clear a gap. Publisher: A very vengeful glider! Game Designer: Exactly! It’s immersive, beautiful, fun, charming, and thrilling! But also relaxing? Publisher: Thrilling yet relaxing? That sounds ironic. Game Designer: It is! It’s ironically soothing! It’s like meditation, only the ground is rushing up to greet you very aggressively. Publisher: Aggressive greetings are tight! Game Designer: They sure are! It's the kind of game where you clench your teeth but your soul is at peace. And since the developer put in the work, I’m gonna do the game justice. I’m gonna review it so hard. I’m gonna use adjectives like "immersive" and "thrilling" and really mean them! Publisher: You can play it while listening to a podcast about cheese, it doesn't matter! Game Designer: It really doesn't! Imperial Guard: (Smashing face-first into a floating pyramid) HURRRGH! (Bounces off) 'TIS BUT A SCRATCH! Publisher: Oh my god. Game Designer: It’s hilarious! And then—snap—you press one button and you are instantly back at the top! No loading screens! Publisher: Very considerate! Game Designer: We want the loop to be instant. Fly, crash, fly, crash. So the addiction can happen. Imperial Guard: WHY... WON'T... YOU... CEASE?! Game Designer: He means "land," but he knows we removed the landing gear. Publisher: Smart! So, are there different levels? Game Designer: Oh yeah. We got snowy levels, red rocky levels, space levels... Publisher: Space? Game Designer: Yeah! And sometimes, if you fly fast enough, the textures don't load and you just stare into a smooth, colorful void. Publisher: A very smooth void! Game Designer: It’s artistic! It’s minimalism! And since the update, it actually looks intentional! Imperial Guard: I DON'T KNOW YOU AND I DON'T CARE TO KNOW YOU! Game Designer: See? He’s very independent. Publisher: So, does this game have a plot? Game Designer: The wind is the plot! Whoosh! Publisher: What? Game Designer: What? Publisher: Well, okay then! Game Designer: Great! So, we release it on Steam, people fly for ten minutes, they crash, they laugh, they do it again. It’s the perfect way to turn off your brain without too many bugs getting in the way. Publisher: So we are selling the sensation of vertigo for pennies? Game Designer: The finest pennies! And hey, can I use these points to buy a parachute? Publisher: I don't know, can you? Game Designer: No, parachutes are for people who want to live! We want to GLIDE! Publisher: A very distinct difference! Imperial Guard: (Drifting by) DO YOU GET TO THE CLOUD DISTRICT OFTEN? Game Designer: We are literally in the clouds right now! Imperial Guard: OH, WHAT AM I SAYING, OF COURSE YOU DON'T! Game Designer: He’s very condescending for a man falling into a ravine. Publisher: He sure is! Imperial Guard: HAVE YOU SEEN ARMAND CHRISTOPHE? Game Designer: No, we're moving at Mach 1! Publisher: I love turning off my brain! Game Designer: Me too! Imperial Guard: I USED TO BE AN ADVENTURER LIKE YOU, THEN I TOOK A POLYGON TO THE KNEE. Publisher: That sounds painful. Game Designer: It is! But in a fun way! Publisher: So, we have a game that is infinite, instant, significantly less buggy than before, and features a confused medieval law enforcement officer? Game Designer: Yes! And it costs less than a fancy bottle of water! Publisher: I am sold! Let’s ship this boundless joy ride! Game Designer: Awesome! Now, how do we stop falling? Publisher: I don’t know! Imperial Guard: REMEMBER THE EMPEROR! (They all tuck their arms in and dive straight downward into a grid of neon light, disappearing instantly. The table remains floating there, spinning slowly.)