GUILTY GEAR -STRIVE-

Hey kiddo, Handsome Jack here... and I just played Guilty Gear Strive, and apparently somebody decided that fighting games weren't complicated enough, so they added heavy metal, giant swords, magic, vampires, robots, and people dressed like they lost a bet. And honestly? Fantastic. You pick a character, walk into a match, and within approximately four seconds you're being launched across the screen by a guy carrying a sword the size of a telephone pole. Very normal. Very balanced. Probably how the military intended combat to work. And the characters? Oh, they're incredible. You've got a walking nuclear disaster, a cowboy with a gun, a man who is somehow also a dolphin enthusiast, a literal vampire, and a guy who looks like he hasn't slept since 1997. Everyone has some horrifying backstory involving war, governments, experiments, gods, or the complete collapse of civilization. Meanwhile I'm just trying to figure out why my opponent has decided I don't get to touch the ground anymore. Then there's the music. THE MUSIC. Kiddo, this game doesn't have a soundtrack. It has a personal vendetta against silence. Every fight sounds like I'm headlining the world's angriest rock concert while two superpowered lunatics beat each other to death in front of me. I could lose every single match and still walk away feeling like I just witnessed something historically important. And somehow the game makes you want to get better. You lose, you stare at the screen, you tell yourself you're never playing again, and five minutes later you're back because you are absolutely convinced that this time you're going to destroy that smug little bastard who perfected the combo that ruined your evening. 10/10, kiddo. Gorgeous, ridiculous, insanely stylish, and loud enough to wake the dead. I'd give it an 11, but apparently the developers decided that letting me win every match would be “bad game design.” Which is a fascinating way to say they're jealous of my talent.