This is an actual review of the game, because 50 "reviews" making the same joke gets genuinely annoying. TL;DR, this is [i]passable[/i], but I didn't enjoy my time with it. Look elsewhere.
For context, I've never really dabbled with Garfield but I have a vague idea, largely from snippets of the TV show on Boomerang. The main karting game I've played is, unsurprisingly, Mario Kart, and this is far from that. It reminds me of Race with Ryan, starring Ryan of Ryan's World. That game is terrible but is sometimes given a pass because it's for kids (this is a daft line of thinking, by the way).
I'll be honest, this felt just the same. Garfield memes do not excuse this thing.
The game looks... passable, again. On the medium preset, I wasn't exactly wowed but it's not horrendous. The visuals are to this game what sliced bread is to breakfast, they'll do on the £3.75 meal "deal" this game was built on. Desert tracks look particularly poor, but I did prefer the night ones some more. The more urban ones do the job.
Far less impressive is the whole soundscape. Music is repeated across tracks and repetitive. Car sounds are minimal and not interesting. Sound effects are cheap. Again, it's doing its job.
Mario Kart shares songs sometimes (on Mario Kart DS, Wario Stadium and Waluigi Pinball share the same song, even if the latter keeps most of the reputation) but it's so bland here that I rolled my eyes when I had to listen to it again and again. It doesn't loop very convincingly (a la NFS Nitro on Wii) and the higher pitch on lap 3 is akin to scratching a fork on a plate. Drift boost explosions get really old.
I'll cut to the worst thing, though: the game's physics were evidently designed by someone who believes carrot slices ward off evil spirits. There's absolutely no sense or mercy to them.
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[*]If you run into the back of another car, you will coalesce with it. You will stick to their car, unable to turn out or even slow down properly, meaning they will lock you in position and immobilise you. Not even GRID 2019 was this obnoxiously poorly-designed with its contact physics.
[*]If you drift wide and hit a wall, you will then coalesce to the wall at certain angles and maintain contact with it no matter your angle of adjustment. This'll slow you down if you brake to correct.
[*]if you approach the terrain (which is shoddily-made) at an angle that it doesn't like, it will career you into the air and force you to respawn. You'll lose all momentum and any items.
[*]Momentum is indeed non-existent in certain cases. Air momentum is puzzling in particular and drifts are woefully slow. It's very floaty and it feels like there's some element of steering delay that makes everything feel more disjointed than the devs would probably have been going for.
[*]If you're in the air (or even not) and approach raised sections at a strange angle, again, you'll be wiped off the face of the planet.
[*]Contact with a wall had a tendency to lock me into position and immobilise me for longer than it should have done. Largely approaching walls at an angle that was angled from frontal.
[*]Drifitng itself is quite inconsistent within the same kart. It's always sluggish, but some handle tightly and others will send you off into Azerbaijan before thinking about it. Use of the brakes is a necessity because no kart feels planted.
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The sense of speed is also horrible. 50cc is intolerable and 150cc only really works if you're in a rhythm, even then it's not that challenging.
However, this game's balancing is obscene. If you're frontrunning (which I did most of the time as it's not too hard to mess with them if you get a good start), you'll see many homing pies and long-distance snipes - alright, sure. But in mid-pack, you'll continually be harassed by other characters and first place will gain a lead of 10 seconds if you aren't, meaning catching up is nigh-impossible until the rubber banding kicks in on lap 3 and hands you a win if it feels like realising you're playing. If not, meh.
Items aren't that interesting, anyway. The pillow is very annoying. I notice you'll get hit with a homing pie right at the end frequently. Hmm.
Other nitpicks/complaints/critiques? Well, the character models look basic, the main menu theme is underwhelming, track variety and complexity is pathetically slim (THERE ARE 16 TRACKS AND IT FEELS LIKE 8, TOPS), puzzle pieces bar a few are a good concept executed lazily, the golden hat grind is very strange with its double requirements, the double spoiler grind is hateful with all of the above (I had to play the game).
I don't get the impression that much care was even put into this. All bar about 2 tips are so useless they serve to be insultingly condescending. Some of them don't use gender-neutral language and assume every character is male, which is so minor it's insignificant for most people but it's a laughable oversight that never got fixed for how minor it may be. Garfield having two animations on the home screen does not make the game look better, and for goodness sake dream up a few more songs for the tracks lest they feel even more repetitive than they are.
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I imagine for a decent number of people this game will do the job and it'll be fine, and that's alright. Me? I'm not planning to pick this up ever again. I got it for free a few years ago somehow, but had I paid £12.99 for this I'd feel insulted. You can do so much better than this.
Still, if there's any good to come out of me finally trying this, it's another game's achievements done to 100% and it made me want to pick up Mario Kart again.
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[u]Technical stuff:[/u]
Linux Mint 22.3 (this is ham-fisted tradition in these reviews now). Medium held 60fps most of the time bar some shader wackiness (I think?) and more dense track backgrounds slowing my game down on earlier runs. Later on it was more or less smooth sailing consistently. Anything above medium lagged my game tremendously for not that much more benefit.
